A couple of fake commercials I wrote for the first episode of The Smoking Jacket Comedy Hour

Protractor Factory

Are you having trouble making half a circle?  Is your degree measuring applicator becoming and aggravator?  Can’t get your factions to factor?  Then come on down to the Austin Protractor Reactor!  We have protractors of every shape and size!  Small protractors, large protractors, fancy protractors, dancey protractors!  Are you an actor that has detractors, but your reactor is a common factor of a fusion reactor?  Did threat of a rapture cause a fracture in your aperture?  Then come and choose from our tractors of protractors!  Don’t let these plastic refractors be put in a compactor sent to an atomic reactor, or be eaten by a velociraptor! Honor your ancestor by becoming an extractor and a recaptor of  collectible protractors!  Come on down and become an abactor of protractors!

(said very fast)

Located at the corner of 38th and Smith.

Compass Town

(slowly, with a lazy drawl)

Hello folks.  I’m Archibald Johnson from Compass Town.  Would you like to be able to draw a full circle?  How about make it different sizes?  Then I’m here to tell you it is entirely possible.  Come on down to Compass Town where we can outfit you with the latest in mathematical compass technology.  Me and my wife Deirdre have so many compasses that you will…well, you might just go crazy.  Now we don’t have any fancy rhymin’ words or music or such like some other mathematic accessory store in Austin, but we deliver quality assurance and a money back guarantee.  Plus, you come to compass town and buy two compasses you get to have sexual intercourse with Deidre or me, Archibald Johnson.  That’s right, sexual intercourse.  So start achieving your complete geometric means, heheh, and come fuck me at Compass Town.

Located in the ventilation duct behind Buffalo Wild Wings off route 290.


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